So I'm like, totally..well, somewhat happy, somehow not.

Sam's not pissed at me [she was, I don't think I posted that]. At lunch today, she's like "We have to talk." I thought I should be scared, but she said that I didn't have to be. And yada yada, 3 minutes later, we're heading back to where we started. The "I love you"s come and the hugs enter. Not very big, seemed like a big huge routine or cycle. So yeah. It was supposed to be all lovey-dovey-mushy-lovey-lovey-lovey crap like that. I wanted that.. because.. well, I wanted to feel like she really accepted my apology and like she really truly missed me, loved me.. I was really bad. I overestimated Sam. I wish I underestimated her, instead.

So yeah. I was stuck with Savannah.. well, not stuck because that sounds bad. She and I were hanging out.. pretty much alone. During that lunch period of pain.. Savannah and I were discussing who Matt liked. I really think that he likes Emily. I hate that. Why does he have to like my best friend??? That's not cool. Not at all.

I'm crying right now. My dad's outside smoking.. like 30 feet away. I still smell it. It's getting on my nerves. Smoke is in my eyes, its what I'm breathing. I don't wanna breath right now, I'm scared to. I'm holding my breath. Taking little breaths of air. It's a bit sad.

So I'm just breaking down over the fact that my dad is gunna get cancer and die in the next ten years. My ex boyfriend [whom I still have feelings for, by the way] likes my best friend, and Sam is still probably pissed, but doesn't really realize it.. maybe. This sucks. I mean, I'm happy that I've made up with Sam "on the surface" and .. that's really it.

I hate my life. Again. Why me? Seriously. Why.

I'm in the mood for Michelle Branch lyrics.

Michelle Branch – Goodbye To You

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch rocks. She's like… 22 now. And has a baby. He's cute.

Sam signed on. I think I should talk to her. Or not. Dunno.

Bye.