i haven’t been updating.

So I'm like, totally..well, somewhat happy, somehow not.

Sam's not pissed at me [she was, I don't think I posted that]. At lunch today, she's like "We have to talk." I thought I should be scared, but she said that I didn't have to be. And yada yada, 3 minutes later, we're heading back to where we started. The "I love you"s come and the hugs enter. Not very big, seemed like a big huge routine or cycle. So yeah. It was supposed to be all lovey-dovey-mushy-lovey-lovey-lovey crap like that. I wanted that.. because.. well, I wanted to feel like she really accepted my apology and like she really truly missed me, loved me.. I was really bad. I overestimated Sam. I wish I underestimated her, instead.

So yeah. I was stuck with Savannah.. well, not stuck because that sounds bad. She and I were hanging out.. pretty much alone. During that lunch period of pain.. Savannah and I were discussing who Matt liked. I really think that he likes Emily. I hate that. Why does he have to like my best friend??? That's not cool. Not at all.

I'm crying right now. My dad's outside smoking.. like 30 feet away. I still smell it. It's getting on my nerves. Smoke is in my eyes, its what I'm breathing. I don't wanna breath right now, I'm scared to. I'm holding my breath. Taking little breaths of air. It's a bit sad.

So I'm just breaking down over the fact that my dad is gunna get cancer and die in the next ten years. My ex boyfriend [whom I still have feelings for, by the way] likes my best friend, and Sam is still probably pissed, but doesn't really realize it.. maybe. This sucks. I mean, I'm happy that I've made up with Sam "on the surface" and .. that's really it.

I hate my life. Again. Why me? Seriously. Why.

I'm in the mood for Michelle Branch lyrics.

Michelle Branch – Goodbye To You

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch rocks. She's like… 22 now. And has a baby. He's cute.

Sam signed on. I think I should talk to her. Or not. Dunno.

Bye.

 

family is life.

Family: the once thing in life that never changes. Unless someone dies, of course.

No, nobody died. If they did, I wouldn't have posted this until.. at least a week after the death. If someone died, I'd be off computers.. well, actually, I wouldn't. I would try to, but I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Anyways, yesterday.. My brother Justin became a full-on believer in Catholicism. He got "confirmed" last night at a 2-hour event at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel [my church]. It was really emotional for me, but not because my brother was getting confirmed. I've been fighting with my parents recently, you know? It really sucks. In church I got this booklet of all the bible readings that would be read during the mass. I was tapping on it and brushing it with my fingers to make some rhythm, get me less bored and a bit more hyper and excited. My dad's telling me to stop, but I keep insisting that it's music. My brother Jason and I fight about what music is and then my dad's like "Why aren't you listening to me? You don't show me any respect.. you don't deserve to call me "Dad" anymore. I'm not your Dad. You just lost a Dad."

That really killed me. A lot. Tears welled up in my eyes. My brother saw me about to cry and asked me to go on a walk with him. On the way out the door, I started bawling. Silently, of course. My brother asks me about the domain crap and all that and then the whole conversation turns into an argument over my parents trust in me. It was a good argument. Jason is one smooth talker. From what he told me, I found out that I think I am a little kid. I think of myself as a little kid: selfish, greedy, easily hurt. If I start thinking of my self as a big kid [mature, responsible, stronger] then my parents could trust me too.

It took me a while to stop the tears. But I did. Sure, I was choking up during the mass. But all in all, I still loved my parents. Even though my mom and I were arguing and my dad doesn't want me anymore.

At the confirmation reception after the mass, I met up with Justin and congratulated him. I was very proud of him. Being the baby of the family, I talked to him last. It gets annoying, but you learn to live and love it.

We ate a ton of salami sandwiches [cracker, salami, cracker] and that was supposed to be our dinner. Pshh, that.. our dinner? Yeah, right. On the way home, I apologized to my mom, because I know that she's way more calm and patient and totally forgiving. She believes in the best of people. I'm saving my dad for later… but he's not really my dad anymore. *sniffles*

Man..

My god, Matt just talked to me. He actually talked to me. On AIM. He like completely shut me off and now he talks to me? I hate that.

This is the recap of the conversation with Matt that I told Jessie:

yay its me xx: he's just like 'hi' and i said 'woah youre talking to me'
Chase the ppl: lol
yay its me xx: and then he said 'im trying to ignore you but you and jessie are the only ones online'
yay its me xx: it was very nic
yay its me xx: *nice
yay its me xx: lol
Chase the ppl: lol I bet
yay its me xx: we just started talking about random stuff
yay its me xx: he's like, do you think that girls still like me?
yay its me xx: and i said, probably
yay its me xx: he said, what
yay its me xx: and i said, well its not like they can help it
yay its me xx: he said, i know they cant resist me
yay its me xx: im just like LMFAO
Chase the ppl: hahaha
yay its me xx: i cant help but agree with him
Chase the ppl: god I know

Funny, right?

Well.. that's about it. Talk to ya.. later.

 

i hate my mom.

I don't wanna say it, but it's true; I hate my mom.

Yeah, go ahead and tell me "She's your mom! You're supposed to love her. She gave birth to you, went through 19 hours of labor for you, and fed you for the past 12 years. She's given you a shelter, introduced you to lifelong friends, and given you birthday parties. Why in the world would you hate your own mom?"

Well, I can answer that question.

1. My mom doesn't know me, doesn't understand me.
2. My mom makes MY decisions.
3. My mom has no idea what I want.
4. My mom just ain't cool.

I want to get a domain. "screamsinsilence.org" AND pay for it with my own money. And STILL my mom won't let me buy it. What's with that? Of course, I would need her credit card.. it's only 30 dollars a YEAR.. that's VERY cheap! She won't let me get it. I've asked her at least a thousand times and not once has she even considered it. She keeps asking "Why do you want it?" or "What are you going to put on it?". She would know the answers if she tried.

My mom is hopeless.

 

wow, it’s been a while.

I haven't written in FOREVER! I can't believe it. Well, it's about time. I'll start writing again.

I doubt I'll write a lot of details though.

Well today, my darling friend Jessie came over! Her bus driver ditched or got in an accident so she came home with me! I rode down an awesome hill on my bike!! And then I got to .. well, almost fall off a curb!! It was awesome =)

I had a lot of fun with Jessie at home. I don't feel like explaining it, so check out Jessie's blog!

OMG! Okay.. well, only Jessie will get this.. but, whatever.

"YES! It bothers me. YES! I love him! NO! I'm not insane you fucking retard!!!"

Wanna understand it? IM me =)

I love my lovers. =P

 

sick bastards. just kidding.

Yeah.. evil people.. me went home sicky today. Me can only be on PC for a few minutes.

Bye, for now.

Nicole

 

so much to say, too much to explain

Okay, here's the simple version of the past 3 days' events.

SUNDAY:
my mom's birthday, we went to church, then went to a buffet place (souplantation or some chinese place, i forget) and it was good

MONDAY:
emily and i fought more, click here to read our convo. (goes from bottom to top, beginning to the basic end). dentist appointment at 4, left at 3:15, had 2 cavities drilled out (it hurts, i swear i'm giving up eating candy a lot) and then fillings put in, went home, watched a jimmy neutron and fairly oddparents marathon and then jimmy timmy 2. not a blast, but it was a good thing to clear my mind of the events of life.

TUESDAY (today) :
okay. i woke up late today, at like 6:45, then woke up and found that my clothes werent dry so i had to put my clothes in the dryer for like 20 min. during the 20 min i ate breakfast and talked to my mom about random things.. my parents (both mom and dad) stayed home on sick leave. i went to school at about 7:30, got there about a min after 7:30 so 7:31 and i ran to rm 205, basic ed. found out the books i needed, saw mckenzie and sam, then yeah.. sam asked me if i broke up with matt, i didnt… tells me what matt said to her and kenz, and.. well.. yeah.. 4th period, theres a lab, matt and i werent partners. i worked alone, sniffling.. lunch comes, im terrified of matt. found out he broke up with me, burst into tears… and then.. i give the heart he carved for me to him, and then.. i sit under my tree and cry. yes cry.

look, people, i did not cheat on him. he did not cheat on me (im pretty sure) and theres nothing else to it. he supposedly broke up with my because i was mean to his friends (from what i know) and.. well.. the rest is matt's and my business.

i hate life. basically.

Nicole

 

what a great way to start off my new blog

What a great way to start off my new Blogger thingymabobber-ish.

Today sucked. I mean, why is it that life has to be so complicated? Of course, life is just that. Complicated. It can't be changed to perfect all the time, it always has to have some sort of flaw. One minute, it's perfect. You have the awesomest boyfriend in the world, your friends support you and are still your friends, and you have straight A's. Your parents appreciate you, and never ask more of you. Your brothers are calmer than normal and your pets seem fine. Boom. Next minute, your boyfriend is the same but in a wheelchair, you've lost 2 friends but gained 1 back, you still have straight A's but hate your teachers, your parents don't appreciate or respect you and ask you to do more chores than normal and get A+'s in your classes. Your brothers hate you, yell at you for the slightest flaw. Your hamster's about to die and Dash isn't so dash-y anymore.

Life is so f**kin' complicated, so evil, so cruel. You ask why life has to slowly kill you every second of every minute of every hour of everyday. Life never answers, it just screws your life up more!

Never in my life has life sucked this much. There's so many situations eating away the time in your life. They munch through your brain, replacing the cells with even larger cells filled with negative comments and bad suggestions to fix your problems. (according to Olivia brain cells don't multiply.) You get mental overloads everyday, and spend your time with your only silent friend, a stupid tree.

I don't know what I want anymore. It's confusing… if you pick one choice you might lose someone. Every cause has an effect, and that effect can either be positive or negative. I really doubt that my choices will be positive.

Leave comments for me, I need all the help I can get.

AIM: br0k3ndream3r
Email: br0k3ndream3r@yahoo.com

Nicole