new blog.

Okay guys. New blog:

 

 

CLICK HERE

 

 

http://clo.fanlounge.org/blog/

 

busy weekend.

So I haven't been posting. So much has been going on. Well, I guess I'll start on what happened on Friday.

In short: Sam came back from her great uncle's funeral. She was having a bad day, and she did well in math. Sam gloated to Kenz, Kenz got annoyed, Sam thought that Kenz was being selfish.. or something like that. They were pissed at each other. Basically. I talked to Sam about it, then hung out with Kenz at lunch and talked to her about it. I took Kenz's side because I know what it's like to have your best friend gloating about something.. and you ask them to stop, and then look at you like you're a friggin' weirdo that doesn't care about them. I talked to Sam on AIM afterschool and asked her if she was mad at me. She thought I was mad at her, then I told her what was bugging me (about her and Kenz), then she told me to "shove what kenz told me up my butt". Great way to end a conversation.

That wasn't very "short".

Well, I'm tired. This weekend was very hectic and busy, but I'm too lazy to write anything about it.

I did figure out that I had a nephew/godson named Michael (russian pronounciation: mi-kayl). We call him Mico. I met him too! He seemed to love me, and my cousin Dorothy told me that he doesn't take a liking to most people. That was awesome. =)

That's.. it..

 

i haven’t been updating.

So I'm like, totally..well, somewhat happy, somehow not.

Sam's not pissed at me [she was, I don't think I posted that]. At lunch today, she's like "We have to talk." I thought I should be scared, but she said that I didn't have to be. And yada yada, 3 minutes later, we're heading back to where we started. The "I love you"s come and the hugs enter. Not very big, seemed like a big huge routine or cycle. So yeah. It was supposed to be all lovey-dovey-mushy-lovey-lovey-lovey crap like that. I wanted that.. because.. well, I wanted to feel like she really accepted my apology and like she really truly missed me, loved me.. I was really bad. I overestimated Sam. I wish I underestimated her, instead.

So yeah. I was stuck with Savannah.. well, not stuck because that sounds bad. She and I were hanging out.. pretty much alone. During that lunch period of pain.. Savannah and I were discussing who Matt liked. I really think that he likes Emily. I hate that. Why does he have to like my best friend??? That's not cool. Not at all.

I'm crying right now. My dad's outside smoking.. like 30 feet away. I still smell it. It's getting on my nerves. Smoke is in my eyes, its what I'm breathing. I don't wanna breath right now, I'm scared to. I'm holding my breath. Taking little breaths of air. It's a bit sad.

So I'm just breaking down over the fact that my dad is gunna get cancer and die in the next ten years. My ex boyfriend [whom I still have feelings for, by the way] likes my best friend, and Sam is still probably pissed, but doesn't really realize it.. maybe. This sucks. I mean, I'm happy that I've made up with Sam "on the surface" and .. that's really it.

I hate my life. Again. Why me? Seriously. Why.

I'm in the mood for Michelle Branch lyrics.

Michelle Branch – Goodbye To You

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

[Chorus:]
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

[Chorus]

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Michelle Branch rocks. She's like… 22 now. And has a baby. He's cute.

Sam signed on. I think I should talk to her. Or not. Dunno.

Bye.

 

i could say school sucks, but it isn’t original.

Yeah. Well school sucks. I used to love school.. but I'm starting to do everything I can to not go to school. Of course, when I am "sick", I really do feel terrible. I think I've been having allergies lately, or something, because I've been coughing something horrific. I have a super stuffy nose and sneeze about once every hour. I got it on Tuesday morning or something.. and I've been getting better.

I think I'll do one of those compact posts where I seperate missed days into paragraphs.

Wednesday May 17

Wednesday wasn't too bad. I went to school, but still had those "allergies" so I was constantly hacking.. I didn't bring my backpack because we were going to the Wild Animal Park on a science field trip. I brought a pen, 2 bucks, and tissues. Weird, right? First period was very boring.. just drawing tables for the China unit in my Interactive Notebook, in Basic Ed. I couldn't wait for the field trip to start. Savannah Webster and I went to the bathroom because I distinctly remember saying "I really gotta pee!" and Savannah said "Me too!!". We ran to bathroom and .. well, went. Then we walked to the front of the school. We lost Kenz on the way, but she found us a few minutes later. We tried to find Savannah's dad, who was our chaperone, and once we found him, we set for Mrs. Monroe to give us our scavenger hunt list, and our nametags. Mrs. Monroe has teenager writing.. I never knew that. Matt was supposed to be in our group, but he was absent that day. Kassie Luft, Kenz, Philip Tankovich, Savannah, and I were in this group. We went on the bus. I sat next to Savannah in row 7, the window seat. It was a bit boring. Halfway through the ride, Kenz, Savannah, and I played "Either/or". Funny questions like "Would you rather lick peanut butter off Brad Pitt's butt, or… butter off Ben Affleck's abs?" were asked. It was fun. Well, anyways, we got to the park and started roaming around the park! By 1:00 we were done and checked my Mrs. Monroe. It was a cool day. Phil and I were hanging out a lot. He's a nice guy. Smart too. Why do I like smart guys?? Ehh. Well, I don't like Phil. He's a nice guy though.

Thursday May 18

I stayed home today because my allergies were killing me. I watched porn.. just playing. lol. I played games, watched movies, TV, books, etc. I played guitar, listened to music. Normal stuff.

Friday May 19

Not the best. Just normal. Just normal.

That's really about it. I guess my song right now would be.. Picture Perfect by Tyler Hilton.

Tyler Hilton – Picture Perfect

Darkness finds I listen
To every little thing she has to say
And when I'm all but found its
Darkness that will lead my way

And all she ever asks me to do is
Stay awake to see a picture perfect
Moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's playin with the sun
He always makes it hard for her to see me

One day me and darkness will run away and sun will see
He should have let me take her in the first place and

Stay awake to see the picture perfect moon she”ll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's mine

All I ever wanted was for me and the moon to shine
And make the darkness
Stay awake to see a picture perfect moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know that she
Stays awake to see a picture perfect moon she'll give me
She ties a ribbon to and with the stars
She lets me know she's mine

It's a good song. Very.. calming. I love it!

Yeah. I don't why, but I feel compelled to write that Matt was absent all week.

Oh and someone reported me on MySpace. So my account got deleted. Oh well.

 

boredom is crappy.

I'm so bored. But so tired. I might post about my day later. I just got so bored that I decided to type something.. whatever.

 

 

baboon is a funny word.

Baboon is a funny word. Yes, it is, don't doubt it!

Today wasn't the best day. Matt was absent again. I hope he isn't absent tomorrow; he's in my group for the science field trip to the Wild Animal Park. Oh well, that's okay.

I didn't tell Sam, Kenz, or Emily about the name dilemma I've had. I didn't really feel like I had to. I didn't want to make a big deal about it or anything. Don't really wanna wreck a friendship with them. I guess I can deal with it.

Nothing funny really happened today.. oh wait, nevermind!

So I was with my carpool buddies on the way home and I saw Lucas Hooker and Ashley Uren [both of them have funny last names too!!! lol] walking down this dirt hill near my house. They were gunna make out. Duh. Lucas is a seventh grader and Ashley is an eigth grader. It was funny because Lucas went to kiss Ashley on her neck [ugh gross] and then he slipped down the dirt hill! Then the car sped by and I didn't see the rest. It's also funny because Lucas and Ashley have been on and off since last year.

So that's really about it. No.. wait, there's more.

During lunch I tapped Kenz in the butt while my friend Alex was next to her, so it looked like Alex touched her butt. Kenz looks at me because I was behind Alex, then I point at Alex and I'm like "I didn't do it! I swear!" and then I do it again when Kenz wasn't looking [well I thought she wasn't] and she's like "I saw that Nicole!" and attempted to kick my butt and then.. well, I just realized this is a very run-on-ish sentence. I'll stop now.

That's really about it. Nope, nevermind.

I have to bring a camera or camera phone to the Wild Animal Park. I wanted to borrow my brothers digital camera to the Park but he sai, "No! I don't trust you" blah blah blah blah BLAH! Nobody in my family trusts me. I don't see why not! I turn in all of my homework, haven't gotten one detention this year, gotta A's on all my report cards.. what makes them think that I can't be responsible???? This is really pissing me off.

Okay, I'm sure I'm done.

Well, I guess not. I just wanna keep typing it for the heck of it.

So..

Now what..

I'm really bored.

Okay, there's really nothing to say.

Toodles!

 

i have no idea what to title this post.

So Matt was absent today. I was so confident to talk to him about what I talked to him about on AIM on Saturday, if that makes any sense. But, whatever.

The point is that I was finally ready to talk to him! Finally.. but that has a lot to do with the fact that he talked to me.

Today I found out that he also talked to Sam about the same thing he talked to me about. It hurt to hear it, but it was fun correcting Sam about what he said. Of course, that just shows what a stalker I am. She also told me some different things.. like how Jessie liked Matt while I was going out with him.. and she was afraid to tell me because she wasn't sure what I was going to do.. and she didn't have to tell me to know that she liked him. It was obvious. I was mad, but I wasn't going to kill her.

I know that I was lucky to get Matt, because so many girls liked him. I just happened to be his friend before I liked him, or was it more like I became his friend because I liked him? Well I do know that all the other girls who liked him did NOT do anything about it! Of course, Corrine Ishio [or however you spell her name] would stare at him for hours and walk by him to check out his butt. And if Matt caught her, she would look up abruptly and say, "Hi Matt. Nice ass." It was hilarious! I was talking to Matt and then Corrine came with Althea, stopped, looked at his butt, then left. And I'm like, "Matt, she was staring at your butt." And he's like "Corrine?!" and she's like "Hey. Nice ass." It was.. again.. amazingly hilarious!

So anyways, on Friday or Thursday of last week, all of my friends were chatting over my full name. My birth name was .. well, really long. And McKenzie knew and Emily knew and then McKenzie told Sam and Sam came up to me and said "Antonio???". That's my middle name [my mom's maiden name]. So ever since then, she's been calling me Antonio. Weird, eh? Well, today, she started giving girls guy names and guys girl names. I don't think that made ANY sense. She gave herself the name "Greg/Gregory" because Antonio is 14 letters away from the first letter of my name. Again, that doesn't really make much sense. She gave McKenzie the name Bobby and Emily the name Stevey. She gave EVERYONE who eats lunch with us names like that. I think she would've given the lunch lady a name if she could stop laughing.

I was really hurt by that, because that was sorta my special thing with Kenz and Sam and I think Emily too… and then she made it everyone's thing. I was really depressed, well, depressed is too strong. Just sad, I guess. She kept saying "I love you Antonio" "What's wrong Antonio?" and things like that. A great way to rub it in my face, but it's not like she knew what was bothering me.

Oh well. I'll be just fine.

I hope.

Well, in an attempt to lighten the mood, here's a funny rhyme that children in the 80's sang. It's really funny! And gross. Ish.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun,
Stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack got horny, Jill got corny
and now they have a daughter.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke some marijuana
Jack got high, unzipped his fly
and Jill said "Ooh, I wanna."

And another gross-ish one.

Miss Muffet

Good morning Mrs. Muffet,
bless your heart and soul
Last night I met your daughter
but could'nt find her hole.
When I found her hole it was right
under her frock.
But what to tell you, Mrs Muffet?
I could'nt find my cork.
When I found my cork
it was right under my pant
But what to tell you, Mrs Muffet?
I could'nt make it stand.
When it stood up,
it stood up like a spring.
But what to tell you, Mrs Muffet?
it would'nt go in.
When it went in,
it went in like a sprout
but what to tell you, Mrs Muffet?
It would'nt come out.
When it came out,
it came out with a roar
But what to tell you, Mrs Muffet?
your daughter wanted more!

Sorry, they're funny and gross. Whatever.

 

ha.

I like Matt again. I miss him. I love him. I'm crying uncontrollably.. I'm smiling.. I'm laughing.. I'm.. in love.

 

family is life.

Family: the once thing in life that never changes. Unless someone dies, of course.

No, nobody died. If they did, I wouldn't have posted this until.. at least a week after the death. If someone died, I'd be off computers.. well, actually, I wouldn't. I would try to, but I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Anyways, yesterday.. My brother Justin became a full-on believer in Catholicism. He got "confirmed" last night at a 2-hour event at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel [my church]. It was really emotional for me, but not because my brother was getting confirmed. I've been fighting with my parents recently, you know? It really sucks. In church I got this booklet of all the bible readings that would be read during the mass. I was tapping on it and brushing it with my fingers to make some rhythm, get me less bored and a bit more hyper and excited. My dad's telling me to stop, but I keep insisting that it's music. My brother Jason and I fight about what music is and then my dad's like "Why aren't you listening to me? You don't show me any respect.. you don't deserve to call me "Dad" anymore. I'm not your Dad. You just lost a Dad."

That really killed me. A lot. Tears welled up in my eyes. My brother saw me about to cry and asked me to go on a walk with him. On the way out the door, I started bawling. Silently, of course. My brother asks me about the domain crap and all that and then the whole conversation turns into an argument over my parents trust in me. It was a good argument. Jason is one smooth talker. From what he told me, I found out that I think I am a little kid. I think of myself as a little kid: selfish, greedy, easily hurt. If I start thinking of my self as a big kid [mature, responsible, stronger] then my parents could trust me too.

It took me a while to stop the tears. But I did. Sure, I was choking up during the mass. But all in all, I still loved my parents. Even though my mom and I were arguing and my dad doesn't want me anymore.

At the confirmation reception after the mass, I met up with Justin and congratulated him. I was very proud of him. Being the baby of the family, I talked to him last. It gets annoying, but you learn to live and love it.

We ate a ton of salami sandwiches [cracker, salami, cracker] and that was supposed to be our dinner. Pshh, that.. our dinner? Yeah, right. On the way home, I apologized to my mom, because I know that she's way more calm and patient and totally forgiving. She believes in the best of people. I'm saving my dad for later… but he's not really my dad anymore. *sniffles*

Man..

My god, Matt just talked to me. He actually talked to me. On AIM. He like completely shut me off and now he talks to me? I hate that.

This is the recap of the conversation with Matt that I told Jessie:

yay its me xx: he's just like 'hi' and i said 'woah youre talking to me'
Chase the ppl: lol
yay its me xx: and then he said 'im trying to ignore you but you and jessie are the only ones online'
yay its me xx: it was very nic
yay its me xx: *nice
yay its me xx: lol
Chase the ppl: lol I bet
yay its me xx: we just started talking about random stuff
yay its me xx: he's like, do you think that girls still like me?
yay its me xx: and i said, probably
yay its me xx: he said, what
yay its me xx: and i said, well its not like they can help it
yay its me xx: he said, i know they cant resist me
yay its me xx: im just like LMFAO
Chase the ppl: hahaha
yay its me xx: i cant help but agree with him
Chase the ppl: god I know

Funny, right?

Well.. that's about it. Talk to ya.. later.

 

i hate my mom.

I don't wanna say it, but it's true; I hate my mom.

Yeah, go ahead and tell me "She's your mom! You're supposed to love her. She gave birth to you, went through 19 hours of labor for you, and fed you for the past 12 years. She's given you a shelter, introduced you to lifelong friends, and given you birthday parties. Why in the world would you hate your own mom?"

Well, I can answer that question.

1. My mom doesn't know me, doesn't understand me.
2. My mom makes MY decisions.
3. My mom has no idea what I want.
4. My mom just ain't cool.

I want to get a domain. "screamsinsilence.org" AND pay for it with my own money. And STILL my mom won't let me buy it. What's with that? Of course, I would need her credit card.. it's only 30 dollars a YEAR.. that's VERY cheap! She won't let me get it. I've asked her at least a thousand times and not once has she even considered it. She keeps asking "Why do you want it?" or "What are you going to put on it?". She would know the answers if she tried.

My mom is hopeless.